Hopelessness.
Seemingly insurmountable challenges.
Countless hours spent researching and thinking through paths to resolution.
No. Plan. Forward.
Numerous attempts made to connect, troubleshoot, and plan to rectify poor decisions in the distant and not so distant past.
Brick walls and dead ends abound.
Small rays of light and hope…
Gone.
Prayer is where I am turning to. Prayers to God. To the Goddess. To the universal source energy. To ancestors, elders and angles. Guides. Please. I give control over to you to help me uncover the answers. The resources. The way ahead.
I see that I cannot think or reason my way out of this dark space. I let go.
Darkness takes over. A ray of sunshine peeks through. I MUST hold onto that ray of sunshine. But that is not letting go, is it? Struggle…
Can I fully let go? After many years of thinking, planning, wanting and trying to staying positive… no resolution. Fear, sadness, and panic keep their stranglehold on my mind. The trapped feeling may subside here and there, yet always returns with a vengeance.
Self-judgement prevails. Why do I find it so difficult to take responsibility where I can and should, yet also let go where I can’t control? I feel responsible for it all…
Can I give myself grace for not knowing better in so many instances? And still take responsibility without finding ruin? The systems in place do not seem to support this path.
The events don’t stop… new challenges added to the list with a frequency that is more than I am able to handle. I believe that my despair encourages these events. How to break this vicious cycle?
I am praying for answers. For a new understanding and path ahead. I am letting go. Let. Go. Just. Let. Go.
You CAN do this! Pray to God. Pray to the Goddess. Pray to Source. Pray to all spiritual beings standing by to help. Whatever you do, Michelle, pray. When in doubt, pray. When sadness strikes, pray. When you feel hopeless, pray. Let Go!
What is in front of me… in this moment? What can I do NOW? Take a walk. Pay the bill. Write that letter. Clean the kitchen. Sweep the floor. Action. Movement. Prayer.
I pray for the healing of my troubled mind. I pray for the healing of my broken body. I pray for the healing of humanity and our deeply troubled and corrupt systems. I pray for miracles.
I pray to see the positive side of everything. I pray to accept what is in front of me. I pray for grace. I pray to be in gratitude every day. I pray for the keys to unlock the despair I feel trapped in. I pray for the ability to take one step at a time and focus on what I CAN do in this moment. I let go and give this over to God.
Amen.
Sending you love, hope, and hugs. I believe in you and that this darkness and struggle is transformative. -Elizabeth
I wish I was close and I could come at your door, surprise you with a cake I would have made, just for the two of us, and sit there for hours with tea and cake for our bodies and for our souls.... I wish I could tell you (and you would believe me) that you are not alone. I wish I could tell you (and you would believe me) that the ones who suffer the most are the ones who know. That there is meaning and power in all of this. BUT I would prefer to just shut up, not say a word and be there with you. Eat a piece of my wonderful cake, and sit in silence together. And then eventually cry. And then eventually laugh. Sending you so much love, Sage